Joke of the Day
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sharkmouth
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Little Johnny comes home from school & dad yells "JOHNNY", Johnny doesn't even breath let alone take one more step into the kitchen, "GET YOU ASS IN HERE NOW!"
He knows the old fella is fast & thinks ah dang, I aint done nuthin wrong today anyway. He walks into the kitchen & there is his dad with his belt in his hand, mum anxiously looking from one to the other. Bugger thinks Johnny, looks like battle stations from here... I'll bluff it! "WHAT?" yells Johnny, the old fella takes a tentative step forward with the belt raised, "listen here you little bugger, we've got your report card here & it really is shite boy. I don't think I've seen one as bad so unless you've got a damn good reason for it being this bad , then, you're in for a flogging!" Well Johnny never was partial to the schoolwork although he always had a good wit, so quick as a flash he says, "apparently my parents aren't too smart!"
He knows the old fella is fast & thinks ah dang, I aint done nuthin wrong today anyway. He walks into the kitchen & there is his dad with his belt in his hand, mum anxiously looking from one to the other. Bugger thinks Johnny, looks like battle stations from here... I'll bluff it! "WHAT?" yells Johnny, the old fella takes a tentative step forward with the belt raised, "listen here you little bugger, we've got your report card here & it really is shite boy. I don't think I've seen one as bad so unless you've got a damn good reason for it being this bad , then, you're in for a flogging!" Well Johnny never was partial to the schoolwork although he always had a good wit, so quick as a flash he says, "apparently my parents aren't too smart!"
socfan12
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:roflmao:
This is an Incredible story!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his
knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments..
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant..
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his
knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments..
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant..
sharkmouth
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Bugger!
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sharkmouth
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Ha!. That'll smart some. 
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "how do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer, says Silvio, and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
"'Well says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?”
“Who said my Father's dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?”
“He's 100 years old, says Silvio. In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.”
“Well,' the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my Nonno's dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He's 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to get married?"
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer, says Silvio, and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
"'Well says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?”
“Who said my Father's dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?”
“He's 100 years old, says Silvio. In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.”
“Well,' the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my Nonno's dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He's 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to get married?"
Attachments
The Last Kiss
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.So they stopped....
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.So they stopped....
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Myles B. Astor
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Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "how do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer, says Silvio, and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
"'Well says the doctor, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?”
“Who said my Father's dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?”
“He's 100 years old, says Silvio. In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.”
“Well,' the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my Nonno's dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He's 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to get married?"
U
Cute!
Myles B. Astor
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Good advise.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when
I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary
and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically
the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running!'
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when
I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary
and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically
the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running!'
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated".
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
The teacher sat down and cried.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
fascinated".
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
The teacher sat down and cried.
sharkmouth
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Ha! Little bugger that boy...
Bobvin
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A man goes to see his doctor...
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm almost 69).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm almost 69).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
iosiP
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Three Russians in a bar: they drink vodka, have an argument and start a fight.
Results: some broken glasses and a broken chair. They all go back home.
Three Americans in a bar: they drink bourbon, have an argument and one takes his revolver and shoot.
Results: a shattered mirror and a minor bullet wound. Two go back home, the third is kept in the hospital overnight.
Three Arabs in a bar: they drink tea and coffee, have no argument and peacefully leave the place.
Results: a blown-up school and a decapitation.
Conclusion: look at what abstinence can do!
Results: some broken glasses and a broken chair. They all go back home.
Three Americans in a bar: they drink bourbon, have an argument and one takes his revolver and shoot.
Results: a shattered mirror and a minor bullet wound. Two go back home, the third is kept in the hospital overnight.
Three Arabs in a bar: they drink tea and coffee, have no argument and peacefully leave the place.
Results: a blown-up school and a decapitation.
Conclusion: look at what abstinence can do!